Alternate Adages

I bet you didn't know that most adages have changed slightly from their original forms. Click on each of theses adages to reveal the alternate version directly below it!

A penny saved…

is really not worth the time.

What’s good for the goose…

is a delicious honey-maple glaze.

An apple a day…

means you're anorexic.

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again…

unless you’ve been attempting open-heart surgery.

Where there's a will…

there's a casket.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks…

unless is suffers from amnesia.

There is more than one way to skin a cat…

and if you know them, please stay away from me.

A bird in the hand is worth…

$29.95, according to some guy on eBay.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

of other people.

Don’t put the cart before the horse…

because that would be retarded.

The grass is always greener...

near the septic tank.

Keep your friends close…

so they can act as a human shield from the bullets of your enemies.

Those who live in glass houses...

are the most important customers for Windex.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man…

healthy, wealthy, and cranky.

What goes up….

should come down in less than 4 hours, or else consult your doctor.

Funny Video of the Week: Monsters!

Man, I wish had this girl's attitude when I was 3 years old. She's not messing around. Me, I would hide like a wuss every time those monsters came into my room. And guess what? They would still find me and kick my ass. I'm not sure how they would discover me, but I'm starting to think I gave myself away by whimpering under the covers and repeating "please don't kick my ass...please don't kick my ass..." This girl has the right idea. Meet those monsters head on and kick their asses before they have a chance to kick yours. If I had taken that approach a couple times, word would have spread around the monster community that I was an ass-kicker who was not to be trifled with. Then maybe the monsters would respect me and forget about all those times I offered my little sister as a reward for sparing me.

A New American Holiday?

It sucks that "Independence Day" is already taken. That would have been the perfect name for a future national holiday in honor of the day I finally move out of my parents' house. At least "Miracle Day" is still available.

Reader Mailbag: Graceful Break Up

Dear Eric,

I want to end things with my girlfriend. Any advice for a clean and easy break up?

-SoonToBeSingle

---

If you have been dating the girl for less than 3 years, then a simple text message is a perfectly acceptable way to deliver the bad news. Just make sure –and I can’t stress this enough – that you aren’t in the same room as her when you hit “send”. Things could get real awkward as she may ask for an explanation, or worse, for you to move out of the apartment.

If you choose to break-up with her via text message, it is important to remain sensitive. You want to stay on her good side, after all, in case you ever want to date one of her friends and need her to put in a good word for you. Keeping this in mind, here are a few tips about the content of your message:

• Keep it short. Anything more than one sentence and she’ll think, “Why is he dragging this on when I could have begun the healing process already?”


• Be perfectly clear that you are indeed breaking up with her. There can’t be any misunderstandings. For instance, don’t write something like “IT’S OVER.” You may think you are single while she may think the Iranian conflict has been resolved.


• Use emoticons. This may seem incredibly obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people forget this step. Since she won’t be able to see your face, use emoticons as a way of showing her that, hey, this isn’t easy for you either.

Use all of these pointers and you should come up with something like: WE ARE BREAKING UP :(

In my experience the girl will resist at first, responding with something like “are you serious??” or “you’re an asshole” or “can we talk about this in a couple days, after the baby is born?” Don’t be alarmed by these responses –everyone has different ways of coping with a broken heart.

The best part of the text message break up is that nothing is permanent. If you change your mind and decide that you don’t actually want to end the relationship, you can always write her back and say, “sorry, last text was meant for someone else.”

What are the odds?

They say that when you flip a coin there is a 50% chance it lands on heads. But after watching dozens of coin flips I've only seen it land on someone's head maybe twice. So next time you participate in a coin flip, take my advice and bet on "ground". You'll thank me later.