Funny Video of the Week: Golf, Simplified

So I think it's pretty clear what went wrong here: his "Power 2 Accumulator" broke down. I mean I'm just an amateur and even I could see that. He also seemed a little shaky while "snap-loading" his "power package", preventing him from amplifying both "lag and drag pressure" through "impact-fix". Another area of his swing that he struggled with was "hitting" the "ball" in "the right direction."

A Runner's High

When running I always feel so liberated. I find that the longer I run the more free I feel, especially if it's from the police.

Red Carpet Review

My fashion sense has always been highly refined. I’m an expert at identifying fashion trends, and I’ve even started a few myself. I don’t want to brag, but a couple of years ago I started wearing this Nike sweatshirt and since then I’ve seen literally five or six random people who have copied me. I thought I’d share my expertise with a review of some of the dresses featured at yesterday’s Oscars:


Melissa George: Wow! Melissa George has the longest torso and shortest legs in the history of mankind! Good thing she found the perfect dress to fit her awkward proportions. She really didn’t look too bad, especially if you’re attracted to giant, upside-down flashlights.



Heidi Klum: If someone gave me a pile of pink fabric and a pair of scissors and told me that I had 15 minutes to create a dress, this is exactly how it would turn out.



Sarah Jessica Parker: Sarah’s manager really dropped the ball with this one. Isn’t it his job to inform her that the Oscars are an award show, and not her wedding?



Kate Winslet: Kate is rocking the metallic look here. Seriously that dress looks like it needs its oil changed every 3,000 miles.



Amy Adams: WARNING: DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN



Jessica Biel: I’m really not sure what’s going on with this one. It looks as if the designer finished the dress but had tons of extra fabric leftover, so she just threw the rest of it in front. In this period of economic crisis I’m not sure we should be wasting valuable resources like this.



Frieda Pinto: Easily my favorite dress of the night. She looks like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin! She must’ve been in a hurry getting dressed, though, because she forgot to put on her other sleeve.

Quite an Anomaly

I suck at staying organized, but I'm amazing at Tetris. Try to explain that one.

Superman is flying low

When someone tells me that my fly is down, I'll only zip it back up halfway. I like to leave the flag at half-mast out of respect for my recently deceased dignity.

Funny Video of the Week: Stealth Cat

Are most cats as cool as this? Because if they are, then my cat isn't doing his job. I mean, the kitty in this minute long clip gets about as much exercise as my cat does in a week. I don't want to call him lazy, but it's gotten to the point where the mice are starting to hunt him. Also whenever I bust out my video camera to try and catch him doing something cute or cool, all he'll do is lick is butt. Why can't I have a ninja cat?

Anyway, I wish I had this type of sneaking ability. At night I can't even get a glass of water without my parents waking up and huddling in the middle of their room in compliance with earthquake safety rules.

Valentine's Gift Translator

From the boyfriend to the girlfriend:

Gift: A gift basket of deluxe shampoo, soaps, and other crap like that
What it means: “I’ve been secretly smelling your hair before we even started dating. I want that angel-hair to have the special sauce it deserves.”

Gift: A winter hat, gloves, and scarf from J. Crew
What it means: “Seriously, you need to stop complaining about how cold it is every time we go outside. You will never borrow my hat and gloves again.”

Gift: Lingerie
What it means: “Let’s be honest: we both know this relationship is purely physical. Oh, you didn’t know that? Well now you do.”

Gift: A gift certificate
What it means: “What? We’ve only been dating for two weeks and I have to get you a Valentine's present?”

Gift: Jewelry from Tiffany’s
What it means: “Either I love you or I feel guilty for cheating on you. Have fun guessing!”

Gift: Flowers
What it means: I may not be original, but I am smart.

Gift: A Mix C.D of “Our Songs”
What it means: “Man, I really couldn’t find anything to get you because I am really lazy. Anyways, here’s a mix of a bunch of songs that we’ve had playing in the background during some epic make-out sessions. They say that the best gifts are from the heart. This C.D is definitely from the heart, and conveniently only cost me $4.25 to make.

From the girlfriend to the boyfriend:

Gift: Cologne
What it means: “I’m tired of smelling the cologne that your last girlfriend gave you.”

Gift: A framed picture of both you
What it means: “I want every girl who walks into your room to know that you’re MINE. We can show this to our grandchildren someday! Also, this can replace that tasteful poster on your wall of two girls performing CPR on each other.”

Gift: A fleece from Patagonia
What it means: “Listen, I believe that you used to be "real sick” at sports. But it’s really time that you stop wearing your high school football jacket in public.”

Gift: A mix C.D of “Our Songs”
What it means: “This is the music that defines our relationship. Every time I hear one of these songs, I think about you and true love. If we ever break up, I won’t be able to listen to any of these songs ever again. P.S, Track #4 will be the song we dance to at our wedding.

"No Jumping!"

When I was younger my mom would never let me jump on my bed. This made it pretty difficult to sleep, considering my bed was 5 feet high and had no step-ladder.

The transcript from the first time I called a girl in 6th grade

KATE: Hello?

ERIC: Hi, is Kate there?

KATE: This is she.

ERIC: Hi, She. Is Kate there?

KATE: I’m Kate. Who’s this?

ERIC: This is Eric. Eric Kester. I was just calling to say hi…so, what’s up?

KATE: Nothing much, you?

ERIC: Not too much, you?

KATE: Nothing…

(Silence)

KATE: You there?

ERIC: Yeah, hi. So, uhhh, lately what music have you been listening to as of late?

KATE: I got the new Third Eye Blind CD the other day. It’s pretty good.

(Silence)

ERIC: I like Sex and Candy.

KATE: Excuse me?

ERIC: Sex and Candy. Love it. Woke up to it every day this week.

KATE: Oh…

ERIC: Yeah, it’s great. Like if I have a crappy day, I’ll just go up to my room for a little Sex and Candy. Totally relaxes me. My neighbor, David, loves it too.

KATE: Umm ok….

ERIC: Actually, I think Sex and Candy might be my favorite song ever. “Marcy Playground” is a great band.

KATE: Haven’t heard of it…

ERIC: So…this weekend what are your plans for the weekend? Any plans?

KATE: I think Jess and I are gonna go to the mall for some shopping.

ERIC: I’m pretty sure that Ashley hates me. She’s never forgiven me for taking her V-Card.

KATE: What?!

ERIC: Yeah, I snatched it last year. I’ve never seen a girl cry so much.

KATE: That’s horrible!

ERIC: No, she totally deserved it. She spread this nasty rumor about me, so I waited until her back was turned and BAM -I went into her bag and stole the Valentine’s Card that I made her. She was real upset.

KATE: Oh I see…

(Silence)

KATE: You there?

ERIC: Yeah…sorry. I’m just at a tough part right now.

KATE: Are you playing a video game?

ERIC: Yup, “Goldeneye”. You know in the second part of the third level when you are escaping the facility on a tank? I keep failing the mission because I’m running over too many civilians. Hold on a sec…

(Silence)

(Silence)

ERIC: Okay I beat it. So anyway, I was wondering if you, like, maybe wanted to meet up for some food or even some lunch or something?

(Silence)

ERIC: Hello?

Funny Video of the Week: Kid is high after the dentist

After watching this video I'm not sure if I should be excited or terrified about my next trip to the dentist. The kid seems to be doing fine until he had that blood-curdling scream. While he was screaming with that possessed look in his eye I half expected an alien to pop out of his chest cavity or something. I would also like to point out that this kid is a liar. He looks at his hands and says that he has "four fingers", then a second later he says that he "can't see anything". Well then how did you count your fingers? Maybe it was a lucky guess.

Anyway this is just further evidence that supports what I've been telling my mom since I was 7 years old: violent video games don't desensitize kids, trips to the dentist do!

The Monster Snake

Today I read this headline on CNN.com: "Prehistoric 'monster snake' remains discovered." I'm guessing that it will remain discovered tomorrow as well.

Skillful Use of "JK" in IM Conversation

Note: This article was originally published on Collegehumor.com on June 27th, 2007