Thoughts to Live By

I used to live by the old adage "Life is too short to drink cheap wine." I just wish I had heard of the equally important yet lesser known adage, "Life is long enough to incur massive credit card debt."

I am a man of simple pleasures

When you give me a gift, it's the thought that counts. Especially if the thought is "Man, this is really expensive."

Funny Video of the Week: Talkative Baby

Unfortunately, I am well versed in the language of female complaining. Here's a quick translation of what this baby girl is saying: "Oh my god could we have parked any farther away? I can't believe you made me walk that far when you knew my shoes were killing my feet! Don't tell me to stop wearing them. They are trendy. I wear them to look pretty for you. And don't tell me you never notice my shoes. You're dumb and don't understand and need a haircut."

Her words get a little garbled from this point on, but she starts saying something about her friend Eliza and how she loves her to death but her tan looks sooooo fake.

May I help you find your seat?

Don’t you hate it when you arrive at a concert or sporting event and as soon you walk into the venue you get bombarded by a pack of “Event Staff” asking to help you find your seat? “Oh, thank you!” I’ll think to myself. “I just would never have been able to decipher this ticket without your help! Ah, I see! Row C, which is right after rows A and B. I never would have guessed, given how crazy the alphabet can get. And my section, #12, is right over there, you say? Well thank god you’re here to point me in the right direction, because it would’ve taken me forever to see that giant, glowing “SECTION 12” sign. I was planning on starting my search around section 27, but now I’ll look between 11 and 13, as you suggest.”

The worst part of this process is when you get up from your seat to get some food or use the restroom, and when you return the same guy will demand to help you find your seat again. Of course I obediently hand over my ticket, because like most people I suffer from short-term memory loss after taking a leak. “Wait, let me get this straight: You’re telling me that my seat is right up ahead, directly next to the people I came with? Awesome! Thanks for clearing that up, because I probably would just get confused and end up sitting on that old woman’s lap over there.”

XBOX 360, R.I.P

My XBOX 360 broke the other day, and while the loss has been difficult to bear, I have used the tragedy as an opportunity to improve my life. For instance, I've been reading a lot more lately, specifically about the topics of XBOX repair and suicide prevention. I've also been getting out of the house more and socializing, especially with the people in my grief counseling group. I spend more time with my girlfriend, and just like my relationship with my XBOX 360, I've found that I'm really good at pushing her buttons.

Funny Video of the Week: The Toilet Dog

People feel bad for the dog, but I feel worse for the person it came out of. That must've been one epic struggle.

My Green Lifestyle

Some people will save energy by turning off the lights when they leave the room. I prefer to save energy by avoiding stairs and taking naps.

The High School Reunion

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous going into my five-year high school reunion. A lot has changed since graduation, and it had been so long since I’ve seen some of my classmates. I mean, it seemed like forever since I last stalked their facebook profiles two days ago. There were just so many questions that needed to be answered. Who gained weight? Who turned into a swan? Who would be the loser to order a round of drinks, stand on a chair, and give a toast to “the class of 2004-eva!”? (Turned out to be me.)

I found that there were four types of people at my reunion: people I was excited to see, people I was not happy to see, people whose names I couldn’t remember, and people who couldn’t remember mine. What really stung was when the first of those groups overlapped with the last. Of course, the awkwardness of reunions like this always reaches its apex when a conversation strikes up between two people who can’t really remember each other:

“Hey, umm…chief!”

“Buddy! What’s up? You still doing your thing?”

“Oh you know it! You still doing yours?”

“Of course, dude. You know me, wouldn’t have it any other way!”

“That’s so classic you! Always doing your thing. You haven’t changed in five years, man.”

“But I’m a different sex now.”

Encounters like this, while unavoidable at a high school reunion, are at least kept to a minimum. The majority of the evening is spent catching up with old friends, sharing stories of our glory days while pretending that we are more successful than we really are. While I never technically lied to anyone, I made an effort to make my life sound better than it actually is. It’s all about presentation. I’m not “strapped for cash”; I just “toned down my spending out of respect for those affected by the recession.” I don’t “live at home with my parents”; I simply “found a low-rent place with two roommates who really enjoy bird-watching.” I don’t “sleep in a bedroom with rocking-horse wall-paper”; I’ve just been “spending a lot of time with my horses.”

Naturally, my primary goal of the reunion was to induce overwhelming feelings of regret in every girl who ever spurned me in high school. It was easy to reject me five years ago. I sometimes wore socks with my sandals. I drove a 1985 maroon Volvo station-wagon that smelled like a hockey locker room and struggled to make it up hills. I ate egg salad every day and was more concerned with the ERA of the Red Sox bullpen than I was with my own personal hygiene.

But it’s different now. I have a college degree, I drive a car with functioning turn signals, and I know how to impress women. I approached one at the reunion, and she asked me what I had been up to. I casually told her that I ran in the Boston marathon. “That’s cool,” she replied. “My parents told me that they’ve seen you running all around town.”

“Yeah, I trained pretty hard I guess. Some people complain that it’s too much work, but running long distance came pretty naturally to me. A doctor once told me that my limbs have the perfect proportion for stamina optimization.” I winked at her.

She blushed and said, “My parents also told me that they saw you puking in our bushes.” With that she walked away. She must’ve felt uncomfortable being around someone who she couldn’t keep up with.

I could tell that the “new me” was really impressing all the girls. Towards the end of the evening I even noticed several of them looking my way. They must’ve been amazed at how far I’ve come since high school. Five years ago I was the lame guy at the dance who stood along the wall watching everyone with a creepy smile on my face. Now here I was, still along the wall watching people dance, but this time infinitely cooler because of the beer in my hand.

Funny Video of the Week: Crazy Sprinkler Lady

Hi, today is May 11th, 2009, about 4:15 PM.....I'm just wondering what the HECK is in our water supply, what the heck is in our oxygen supply...of the metallicized-tized salts...that creates an idiocy effect in this woman's brain? What is oozing out of her head that allows this type of effect to happen?

Not around our sun and our moon anymore. Everywhere we look. More idiots.

This cannot be natural. We all know it wasn't something that happened 20 years ago, but now it's happenin' now.

We as a nation have got to ask ourselves: what the hell is going on with this woman? What is oozing out of her head?

WE NEED TO RAISE OUR VOICES

BEFORE THEY TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHTS

OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

OUR HUMAN RIGHT...

TO BE COMPLETE MORONS

-BY EKOOTS

Some "friend"

My friend once told me that I'm oversensitive, but I think that's really untrue. I would tell him this, but I never want to speak to that jerk again.

EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM!!!!!!!11!!1

With over 8,000 hits, I think it’s safe to finally proclaim erickester.com as one of the world’s premier media outlets. With such public exposure comes great responsibility, which is why I feel compelled to follow the example of the national media and spread panic knowledge about the swine flu.

Currently, there have been about 1,500 cases of swine flu reported worldwide. With a world population of about 6.7 billion, this means that a terrifying .00000001% of the world is infected with this unstoppable force that will destroy every man, woman, and child virus. Swine flu has been credited with 27 deaths, and while I don’t have the statistics right in front of me, I think it’s no exaggeration to claim that the virus is now the leading cause of death in the world, just ahead of Republicans. At this point, the question isn’t “will I get swine flu?”, but “when will I get swine flu?” There is a simple test to determine if you already have swine flu. Ask yourself: “Am I a human?” If you have answered “yes”, then I’m sorry, but you have little hope.

Everyone should be taking extra precaution to help prevent the spread of this disease. The virus is very contagious, so it is recommended that you not breathe while out in public. This strategy is endorsed by media journalists, who have gained far more wisdom than the average medical doctor through their years of experience writing about the weather and Britney Spears. You should avoid contact with the outside world as much as possible and not share any drinks or food, even with yourself. Unfortunately, you may have already exposed yourself to swine flu simply by visiting this website, as reports have confirmed that the virus can now travel wirelessly.

This may be the last time you hear from me. I just coughed a moment ago, which I read is one of the symptoms of swine flu. According to research, I only have a few more minutes before both of my arms fall off, so I better leave you with this helpful link: www.doihaveswineflu.org

Funny Video of the Week: Safe at Home

If I were the kid on the left I would be absolutely livid. It was a close play at the plate, but he definitely got his foot in there first. But it's called a tie? What's up with that? The poor kid sacrifices his body for the honor of victory, probably losing memory of the first 7 years of his life in the process, and now he has to split the prize? And what do you think the prize was, anyway? I suppose the thrill of running the bases backwards in between innings of a minor league baseball game between the Seattle Squid-Spitters and the Little Rock Rockets is a prize in itself, but there also must have been a jar full of jelly beans at stake or something.

I love the guy in the background who says "that happened yesterday, too." He's trying his hardest to say it in a "that's a shame" type of voice, but it's easy to hear his true feelings of "I can't believe I was lucky enough to see this twice in a row!"

I also love how the announcer says, "I think they're okay!" Umm, they look pretty devastated to me. I mean, that one kid was walking off the field trying to hold his face together. I just hope he didn't lose any teeth, otherwise those jelly beans are going to waste.