What are the odds?

They say that when you flip a coin there is a 50% chance it lands on heads. But after watching dozens of coin flips I've only seen it land on someone's head maybe twice. So next time you participate in a coin flip, take my advice and bet on "ground". You'll thank me later.

Funny Video of the Week: Kid Freaks Out Over Video Game

Man, what a psycho! My favorite part was when he went under his covers, screamed some more, then somehow emerged with no clothes on. That takes some skill. I know World of Warcraft is a great game, but this kid needs to take it easy. When my mom canceled my account I was totally calm. After the paramedics sedated me.

Family Planning

Every CVS has a "Family Planning" section where they keep all the condoms. If you were planning a family, I'm not sure buying condoms is the right strategy. Maybe the "Family Planning" section should just be a few shelves of cheap rum and edible underwear.

She's Just Not That Into You

Sometimes it’s just impossible for a guy to tell if a girl is romantically interested in him. Women are always sending us mixed signals. She can be all over you, rubbing your leg and whispering in your ear. You think she’s into you, but then she raises her hourly rate.

You may think a girl is into you when she points at you, turns to her friend and whispers, “He’s the one.” You’d be wrong, though, if she’s pointing at you in a police line-up and her “friend” is a detective. Context is everything.

A girl winks at you, and you’re like, “Nice!” But then you think “What if she just got something in her eye?” And you’re sad. But what if it was Cupid’s arrow? Now you don’t know what to think.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s in it for the love or the money. You get excited when she agrees to come on a date, but then she goes ahead and orders the most expensive thing on the menu. To make matters worse, she doesn’t even have the courtesy of offering you a bite of that Double Whopper.

Fortunately, there are some situations that are easy to read. If you start buying her flowers and asking her out on dates, she may say to you, “Let’s just be friends.” This is a good sign. Most relationships start out as a friendship. You better keep buying her more flowers, though, or else she’ll think you are a quitter. You don’t want her to think you have commitment issues.

It’s not always that simple. One time I was courting a girl, but she stopped responding to my emails, making it impossible for me to gauge how she feels about me. I mean, I’m not a mind reader. She likely forgot the password to her email account, so I began to visit her house. The poor girl must’ve gotten sick and quarantined, though, because I received a letter from the state of Massachusetts ordering me to stay at least 500 feet away from her house. I wonder what she was sick with? Probably a broken heart.

M.C Grammar

Like most bloggers, I take great pride in my grammar. In fact, people often seek my expert advice on their grammar questions. Just the other day someone asked me this question: "What is the difference between further and farther?"

There is a subtle yet critical difference between further and farther. Further refers to metaphorical or figurative distance, while farther is just another word for "dad."

Happy Farther's Day!

The Mysteries of the Brain

It's funny how the brain works sometimes. Like I can remember exactly what I did on my 9th birthday, but can't remember what I did on my 21st. Weird.

Funny Video of the Week: Captain Kirk Shows Off His Charm

Captain Kirk and I have a lot in common. I've never punched a girl in the face, but that's how they usually describe the experience of kissing me.

Some Parents Are Crazy

While at the airport I saw a mother walking around with her toddler on a 10 foot leash, which I think is absolutely ridiculous. Kids should be on a 5 foot leash, tops.

iJudge the new iPhone

As you may have heard by now, Apple has announced their new line of iPhones. As an owner of the “old” iPhone, I am torn whether I should buy the new version. On the one hand I am still very happy with my current phone, but on the other hand I like to try and stay on Steve Jobs’ good side. Let’s check out some of the improved features of the new iPhone 3G S:

Built in magnetic compass:

I’m sorry, are we in 1836? Honestly, who’s going to use a compass, especially when the iPhone already has Google Maps and GPS capabilities? Are people going to be driving down Route 2 saying, “Ah, if we continue due West at our current pace of 40 knots, and if the gods smile their favor upon us, perchance we shall arrive at Wendy’s before the crescent moon reaches its apex”?

Video Recording:

This is a good upgrade. Video recording would have really come in handy the other day when I saw a fat guy wearing a Spiderman shirt get his hand stuck in a vending machine. The memory will last forever, but I was still disappointed that Rounding First was deprived of a Funny Video of the Week.

Water and oil resistance:

Yawn. Call me when the iPhone is blood resistant. Only then will it be applicable to my lifestyle.

Upgraded from OpenGL ES 1.1 to OpenGL ES 2.0:

I have no idea what OpenGL ES even is, but now I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing that I don’t have the best version.

Voice dialing:

I wouldn’t mind having this feature. Maybe people will stop calling my crazy when I talk to my iPhone.

Longer Battery Life:

Most people will look at this as a plus, but not me. A short battery life is like a built in excuse to cut an unpleasant conversation short.

Brad: Hey man, what are you up to tomorrow?
Me: Nothing at all. Wanna get together?
Brad: Yeah, actually I’m moving out of my apartment tomorrow and would love-
Me: -Brad? Sorry dude, my battery is about to die. Stupid iPhone. Let me call you sometime next week after I charge it. (click)

Verdict: It’s a close call, but I’m going to stick with my old iPhone. The deal breaker is that the new iPhone is .08 ounces heavier than the old one. I’ve got a bad knee and I’ll have arthritis by the age of 30 if I carry around that extra weight.

Check out my original iPhone review

Another of Life's Mysteries Solved

I was in the woods and there was nobody around, and I heard a tree fall. So I guess that answers that.

Funny Video of the Week: Sneezing Baby Panda

I thought this video is perfect to post during "National Zoo Week." Don't worry if you didn't know it was "National Zoo Week", because I just invented it. If you did know that it was "National Zoo Week", please get out of my head immediately. It's dangerous in there.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, In Cages!

Everyone told me that I’m too old for the zoo. They said that adults should only make a trip to the zoo under two circumstances: a) if you have kids or b) if you forgot your kids there and had to go back to pick them up. They said, “If I want to pay to see a bunch of beasts stand around chewing and scratching themselves, I’d just go to a Major League Baseball game.” These are the same haters that call me immature when I order extra sprinkles on my twisty cone, or if I start crying after dropping said cone.

The wildlife that frequents my backyard just isn’t exciting to me anymore, even the deformed squirrel with the abnormally short right leg that forces it to only run in circles. I needed some exotic animals in my life and I wasn’t going to let the naysayers deter me, so this past weekend I packed my bag full of smiles and headed to the Southwick Zoo in Mendon, MA.

This zoo has every non-magical animal that you can think of, and the first thing I did was go for an elephant ride. The last time I got a ride on a mammal was when my dad carried me on his shoulders as we walked home from a fireworks show. That was about 4 years ago, so this was a refreshing and fun experience for me. I even got a picture of me on the elephant, though it’s pretty embarrassing when you still manage to look overweight while in the same frame as an elephant.

I was super excited to see the lion, and he didn’t disappoint. He was pretty much exactly like Simba from The Lion King, only he didn’t talk or sing or tell jokes to wild boars and, even though I haven’t seen the movie in awhile, I don’t recall Simba ever sleeping in a pile of his own shit. The parrots were beautiful, and when I greeted one he said “hello” back to me. He was kind of a rude parrot, though, because when I asked for directions to the bathroom he just ignored me.

The zoo also had a petting area where, for a small fee, you are allowed to step in fresh poop. You can also pet some of the baby animals, and it was just so cute watching these newborn goats and lambs experience life for the first time. It’s not often you get to see a creature take its first steps and lose its virginity in the span of five minutes. Toddlers absolutely loved the petting zoo, though one became very upset after his father prevented a goat from giving the kid a hug from behind.

One of the highlights of my trip to the zoo was when the peacock showed off its feathers for me. It was certainly an impressive show, yet I couldn’t help but laugh at it. It just seems so silly that you would put on such a ridiculous display just to attract a mate. I guess that sort of behavior is to be expected from such a tiny brain.